all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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