I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
