I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Holy shit dude........stairs
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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