whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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