How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
