if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
