how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
