Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
