please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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