Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize