I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
