I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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