you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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