Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
