and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
