Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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