It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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