your parents love me but you hate me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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