Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
