I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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