Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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