why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
