She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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