i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
