You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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