you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
