She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When did angry sex become our thing?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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