We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
this is an emotional support booty call
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
