I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I got inside last night via doggy door
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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