when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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