I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
