theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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