dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
that's an acceptable place to lick
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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