So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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