Im at strip club and am horny
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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