He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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