please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
