At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
