I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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