How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
