I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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