I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
