Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
