in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
my poor anus
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
