Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
