I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
