I'm gonna have a badass scar
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
