Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
