I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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