this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
