I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got inside last night via doggy door
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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