420 ftw
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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