OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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