he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
