So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
