Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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